Trick or Treating 101

Audrey Renaud, Comedy Editor

            October has come once again and that means that Halloween is just around the corner. Most kids are going to go Trick or Treating on Halloween and they will spend the night hanging out with friends and eating candy. If you are not one of those kids and you do not really know “how” to Halloween, or if you are one and you want to know how to Halloween better, here are some tips to help you.

 The first thing you need to trick or treat is a good costume. With the costume you wear, you either want it to be extremely obscure or hard to recognize, so then you can spend a lot of time explaining what you are dressed up as to those who ask. Next up is the group you walk around with. For some of you this will automatically be a group of friends, but for the really fun people, it will be a group of strangers already Trick or Treating. All you need to do to is jump in step with their group and then laugh really loudly at their jokes. Then with your new friends, you can really start Trick or Treating. As you go from house to house, keep an eye out for the people who have their porch lights turned off, they are the ones who go all out and the lights are off in order to give you a good scare. Go up to their door and ring the doorbell at least three times to show them you really mean it, and do not go away until the come to the door. With these tips under your belt you are sure to have the best Halloween ever this year, and try to spread these around so that everyone can have as much fun as you, Happy Halloween

How to ace this school year

By Audrey Smiles, staff writer

School has officially started, and I am sure you already know about the massive amounts of homework that are given each night, but this article is here to help. The most important thing to do for homework is just do not do it at all. If you do not do the homework, you can come up with the best lie ever to tell your teacher; my personal favorite is “I tripped, and the paper fell into the shredder.” The next thing you know, your teacher will not give you any more homework because surely they will not give a klutz homework.

Now, this next tip is only for those who have been doing the art of faking homework for a long time. Say you do not really feel like doing the homework, but your buddy does. Make sure you spam them with as many texts as possible until they give you the homework, and then copy their homework word for word. The most important part of this tip is to make sure you even put your friends name on your copy or it will not be believable; for the best results, ask someone your barely know so it will add variety to your work.

As for studying, just do not do it. GPAs mean nothing to colleges, for they only look at how many parties you go to and your number of absences. Using these tips, you can become the best student ever.

What is in the water?

By Juliana Malfitano, staff writer

It has become evident to the Lassiter High School population that a peculiar condition is spreading among the female teacher population. This condition, seen less in previous years, but more abundantly since the beginning of the 2019-2020 school year, have been rapidly increasing at Lassiter. This outbreak happens to be a widespread outbreak of pregnancies.

Teachers of all subject areas, from science to foreign language, have begun or ended their nine-month pregnancy terms this new school year. The question is why? Why now are so many teachers becoming a mother or having more kids? Can these pregnancies possibly be linked back to a single source? It is theorized that there may be a reason, located right in the halls of Lassiter as people absentmindedly walk by and use the culprit on a daily basis. The cause is thought to be the left-most water fountain, between the girls’ and boys’ bathroom, at the corner of the 300 and 500 hall.

Although a water fountain is seemingly innocent, there have been sightings of all pregnant, or previously pregnant, teachers frequently drinking from this water fountain. Can this really be a coincidence? Obviously, there is some clear-cut evidence pointing towards the fact that water from this fountain may be impregnating female teachers. More scientific research needs to go into this study, but professionals are speculating this as the most accurate answer.  

A self-fulfilling prophecy

By Braden Mizell, staff writer

Have you ever had to write an essay, only to procrastinate so much that you
completely forgot what you where supposed to write about? I feel like this is an experience we can all truly relate to. We have all had those essays
and projects that were written the same day they were due. All those times where we have said, “Ok, how do I make one sentence worth of information, into a whole paragraph?” I swear I have good ideas of what to write down on almost any other topic, but right now is absolutely not one of those times.

One time I wrote a four-page essay on the book 1984, and I have yet to read 1984, but when I have to write a comedy article about forgetting stuff because, “Haha relatable humor,” I’m out of luck. Seriously I just have to write about what is literally happening, but I doubt anyone wants to read an article that is summarized as “local student stares blankly at a Google Doc for 5 minutes.” I am about to slam my head on my desk because I just had an idea but just thought, “Oh hang on, I should go fix some of those grammar mistakes then I’ll write that,” and take a guess what happened. I forgot what I was going to say.

The irony is that I chose this essay because of how much stuff I forget. So here I am, forgetting about something that is about forgetting about said
thing. Funny how that works. Oh yeah, and now you are breathing manually, always love to do that to people.

Seniors’ farewell advice

Shail Patel

Dear freshmen,

Congratulations on completing middle school! Now that you are in high school, it might seem scary. But don’t worry, the graduating seniors have left some advice for you guys, so that you can start strong and have the best high school experience!

Here we go:

“To really gain the upperclassmen’s respect, just act like one. Wear black on pep rally days and the first day of school so you’ll totally blend in.”

“It is an excellent idea to never sit in the same seat in your class. It really keeps the class dynamic interesting.”

“On the first day of school when the teacher calls your name, get them to mispronounce your name. You will immediately become a comedic genius within your class.”

“Block the path of upperclassmen trying to go to class with the classic prank of ‘Your shoes untied.’ They will soon learn to respect your sense of humor.”

“On the bus, it is always a great idea to play your music out loud. Be more outgoing!”

“If you are a student-athlete, you must assert your role on your team with nothing other than trash-talk. By doing this, you gain the respect of coaches and the varsity stars, as you are totally not passive.”

“In the lunch room, one thing you must certainly do is sit in the tables near the windows with the juniors. Then, whip out your laptop and play Minecraft. You can easily make friends with the juniors, as they would want to play with you.”

“Never walk in the hallways like a simpleton. Always pretend that your path to your next class is a track meet and just BOLT!”

“At the football games when the marching band shows up, grab your vuvuzela horn, make your way to the front, and perform alongside the band. Performing alongside the band is a great way to be involved and show school spirit.”

“Always remind the teacher that there was homework, not only will the teacher respect your integrity, but the students will respect you as a supreme entity of hard work and intelligence.”

And finally

“To flex on the lesser athletic beings, whenever you are near a doorway, it is in your best interest to jump and slam the doorway and yell. This asserts your dominance and your size.”

Critics Corner: The Dictionary

Audrey Renaud

Comedy Co-Editor

3 out of 5 stars

I picked this book up from the sale table at Barnes & Noble. I know that people say never judge a book by its cover, but I have to admit that I did this time; the large and colorful letters really caught my attention! This book did not have a very solid plot line, and the ending could have been better; however, I did learn a lot. Most of the time I spent reading this was on a long plane ride and it really passed the time. One thing I did not really understand was the looks my fellow passengers were giving me, but they probably just wanted to get the title of the book after they saw how cool the cover was. The writing style of The Dictionary is not for everyone, but I recommend it if you are going on a trip soon or if you just love reading and learning.

Made for the music

The end is approaching. The dark cloud is rolling over us once again. What will we do? People are not prepared for the end. We are not ready. Nothing is more tragic than when the seasonal music festivals are over. What do I do now? How am I going to listen to music that isn’t live? Am I supposed to listen to music with headphones? No way. I mean sure, when I’m at the music festivals, I’m not actually paying attention to the music, but I pretend like I am! I even go as far as to record the most important songs so that everyone knows that I am there. What more can a person do?

I live for music festivals. What is better than thousands of people crammed together with hardly any room to breathe? Nothing. Obviously. I love being in the sweltering heat with no fresh air to breathe. I thrive when I am surrounded by a bunch of other sweaty people with no room to move. I have not met a single person that does not like that. The best is when you combine the immense crowds with a smidge of dehydration. There is no better way to get people to the front of the crowd (because the medics have to pull them out and take them to first aid) than that. It is a real line cutter! Personally I prefer another way to get to the front. I like to camp out for hours and yell at everyone else that tries to get close to the front. How dare they try to get close to my favorite artist? My experience obviously matters so much more than everyone else’s. How rude does someone have to be to not acknowledge that I am more important than them. I spent a lot of money (just as much as they did) so I deserve it and the artist will like me more.

The food at the festivals is to die for. I love paying for overpriced low quality food. Nothing screams, “I had a good time at the music festival,” like coming home after broke from buying water and pizza. If you don’t want to come home broke then you can always just starve yourself until the concert is over. I always try to get water, but a lot of the time the food places will not sell water. Weird, huh? It is almost like they know that you are dehydrated so they offer you water so that you have to come back and buy more drinks. That is absurd though. They would never do that! Anyways, the food at festivals complete the experience. What would a music festival be without long lines for foods, crazy crowds, and people shoving their way to the front. What will I do now? Music will not be the same.