Lassiter Parking: For Dummies

By Katelyn Vetro

As we all know, the Lassiter High School parking lot is so convenient and loved by the student body! In order to prevent unbearable traffic, we have to deal with it every day, this is what we HAVE to do. 

1. Drive as fast as possible. We’re all trying to get out quickly, right. Race to the exit. Traffic is not real; why don’t the cars just drive? This technique is so overlooked by drivers in general! It’s so simple, yet efficient. 

2. There is no need to check your mirrors or blind spot when backing out of a spot. It’s just an unnecessary waste of time if you ask me. How much damage could a crash in a parking lot cause? Definitely very minimal and it sounds fun! I would love a twisted game of bumper cars in the back lot of Lassiter, especially going home with polka-dot looking dents all over my car; I love the decor. 

3. Cut everyone off all the time, no matter what the circumstances are. How dare they get in your way when you’re trying to get somewhere? That’s very disrespectful and selfish behavior on their part. This leads us back to rule number 1, just drive! Better yet, scream with all your windows down at the other drivers! What a great way to get to know your peers by participating daily activities in places everyone swoons over! I bet this would eliminate all of Lassiter’s social issues as well. Killing two birds with one stone, if I do say so myself. 

4. Whatever you do getting to school in the morning, do not park in between those irrelevant white lines. If we all boycott and disperse our cars in the lot, then we would clear out so much faster! There is no need for me to even explain this it just makes perfect sense. 

Starting next Monday, we must put these rules into effect, and I promise you every single issue that has even taken place within the walls and lots of Lassiter High School will immediately be resolved. Please trust me on this; I know what I’m talking about. I definitely did not fail my permit test. (If anyone tells you I did, they’re lying. Don’t be so naïve, I’m begging you.) 

Holiday Travel Post-COVID

Before the pandemic began, holiday travel was the worst time to be alive. From congested highways to long security lines and delayed flights, there’s always something that could go wrong. Ever since the world has re-opened, which allows people to begin to travel again, every day feels like a holiday, the only exception being actual holidays, which feel like an apocalypse. Over Thanksgiving break, I had to embark on one of these treacherous journeys from Atlanta to rural Pennsylvania on Tuesday, November 23. Our flight was scheduled to take off somewhere around 12:55, but the night before, I was whole-heartedly expecting an hour or more of delay time, not to mention several hours’ worth of security and even more of drive time. Nevertheless, that morning finally came, and we were out the door by 8:30. 

Despite the holiday traffic, we made it to the airport (or the Pre-Flight parking deck) around 9:30, but this is when it starts going downhill. At least fifteen Pre-Flight vans were lined up along the back fence while only five or less were in service. Before the pandemic, you only needed to wait a few minutes, the vans would follow your car when you drove in so it could pick you up as soon as you unloaded your car. Since more than half the vans seemed to be out of work, we ended up waiting a little under ten minutes. At first, ten minutes doesn’t sound too long, but in a cold, shady parking deck, ten minutes is a very long time.  

When we finally made it to the airport itself, nothing seemed too out of place. The Delta self-check-your-bags kiosk was just as tricky as it usually is, and the eccentric passengers were all accounted for. It seemed like a normal day in the airport for the most part, except for one thing. You’re probably expecting another security-line horror story, but we had quite the opposite. Total time in security line: Eight minutes and thirty-nine seconds. A total of two minutes faster than waiting for the Pre-Flight van to pick us up. There was absolutely no line, more than half of those eight minutes was walking through the maze of belt stanchions behind an old lady. Not only that, but our flight was right on time. No delays, no cancellations, and absolutely nothing wrong with the plane’s left phalange. 

Even though nearly every business, large or small, was affected by COVID-19 in every way possible, Hartsfield-Jackson international airport seems to be handling it quite well. Despite some long wait times, the airport personnel are keeping the place up and running as well as clean. Of course, like all things, there could be better ways to handle this, but since the workers and supplies are limited, they are really doing a wonderful job. 

Word Salad

By Alex Lalic

With a heavy thump I set down my load. That overwhelming noise of a hundred conversations fills my ears as I journey to the salad bar. I amble up, a smile on my face.

It’s lunchtime; it’s time for my daily salad.

I tell the kindly lady behind the glass, ham, croutons, and lettuce please. No, nothing else, thank you. She obliges, a smile on her face as she hands me a black plastic tray with a clear plastic container on it, filled with a wonderful bounty. Somedays, I am bold, and even ask for a double up on the croutons. As always, the kindly woman obliges me, and I am rewarded for my courage with many more of the golden-brown nuggets of garlic crunchy goodness.

This salad was my constant companion, my rock to rest upon in the violent ocean that was freshman year. Day after day, that salad, the dehydrated lettuce, the artificial tasting but still delicious ham, the salty garlic crunchy croutons, they do not betray me. They taste the same, but that is ok, they are always a delight to my tastebuds. It’s a ray of hope on dark days where there seems that there won’t be any respite, and a merry companion during better times. Friends may change, grades may slip, and spirits may grow low, but the salad never changes, it will always be good.

It was good.


As always in a malevolent universe, the good things must come to an end eventually.

Two years pass by. I have not entered the lunchroom in many days. Covid, bad scheduling, all conspire against my reunion. As shall I learn, the powers that be wish to suck every little bit of joy out of my life.

It is junior year; I enter the lunchroom and seek the succor of that wondrous salad. I walk in looking for the salad bar. I see it. Excitedly, I rush over to once again experience that comfort, that comfort I cherished so much. My eyes hit upon the clear plastic salad packs.

 I pause.

There is no more custom salad. There is no ham, no croutons, only prepackaged containers full of sad chunky yogurt, mushy apples, and knockoff crackers.

I am struck with grief.

No more salad : (

Trick or Treating 101

Audrey Renaud, Comedy Editor

            October has come once again and that means that Halloween is just around the corner. Most kids are going to go Trick or Treating on Halloween and they will spend the night hanging out with friends and eating candy. If you are not one of those kids and you do not really know “how” to Halloween, or if you are one and you want to know how to Halloween better, here are some tips to help you.

 The first thing you need to trick or treat is a good costume. With the costume you wear, you either want it to be extremely obscure or hard to recognize, so then you can spend a lot of time explaining what you are dressed up as to those who ask. Next up is the group you walk around with. For some of you this will automatically be a group of friends, but for the really fun people, it will be a group of strangers already Trick or Treating. All you need to do to is jump in step with their group and then laugh really loudly at their jokes. Then with your new friends, you can really start Trick or Treating. As you go from house to house, keep an eye out for the people who have their porch lights turned off, they are the ones who go all out and the lights are off in order to give you a good scare. Go up to their door and ring the doorbell at least three times to show them you really mean it, and do not go away until the come to the door. With these tips under your belt you are sure to have the best Halloween ever this year, and try to spread these around so that everyone can have as much fun as you, Happy Halloween

How to ace this school year

By Audrey Smiles, staff writer

School has officially started, and I am sure you already know about the massive amounts of homework that are given each night, but this article is here to help. The most important thing to do for homework is just do not do it at all. If you do not do the homework, you can come up with the best lie ever to tell your teacher; my personal favorite is “I tripped, and the paper fell into the shredder.” The next thing you know, your teacher will not give you any more homework because surely they will not give a klutz homework.

Now, this next tip is only for those who have been doing the art of faking homework for a long time. Say you do not really feel like doing the homework, but your buddy does. Make sure you spam them with as many texts as possible until they give you the homework, and then copy their homework word for word. The most important part of this tip is to make sure you even put your friends name on your copy or it will not be believable; for the best results, ask someone your barely know so it will add variety to your work.

As for studying, just do not do it. GPAs mean nothing to colleges, for they only look at how many parties you go to and your number of absences. Using these tips, you can become the best student ever.

What is in the water?

By Juliana Malfitano, staff writer

It has become evident to the Lassiter High School population that a peculiar condition is spreading among the female teacher population. This condition, seen less in previous years, but more abundantly since the beginning of the 2019-2020 school year, have been rapidly increasing at Lassiter. This outbreak happens to be a widespread outbreak of pregnancies.

Teachers of all subject areas, from science to foreign language, have begun or ended their nine-month pregnancy terms this new school year. The question is why? Why now are so many teachers becoming a mother or having more kids? Can these pregnancies possibly be linked back to a single source? It is theorized that there may be a reason, located right in the halls of Lassiter as people absentmindedly walk by and use the culprit on a daily basis. The cause is thought to be the left-most water fountain, between the girls’ and boys’ bathroom, at the corner of the 300 and 500 hall.

Although a water fountain is seemingly innocent, there have been sightings of all pregnant, or previously pregnant, teachers frequently drinking from this water fountain. Can this really be a coincidence? Obviously, there is some clear-cut evidence pointing towards the fact that water from this fountain may be impregnating female teachers. More scientific research needs to go into this study, but professionals are speculating this as the most accurate answer.  

A self-fulfilling prophecy

By Braden Mizell, staff writer

Have you ever had to write an essay, only to procrastinate so much that you
completely forgot what you where supposed to write about? I feel like this is an experience we can all truly relate to. We have all had those essays
and projects that were written the same day they were due. All those times where we have said, “Ok, how do I make one sentence worth of information, into a whole paragraph?” I swear I have good ideas of what to write down on almost any other topic, but right now is absolutely not one of those times.

One time I wrote a four-page essay on the book 1984, and I have yet to read 1984, but when I have to write a comedy article about forgetting stuff because, “Haha relatable humor,” I’m out of luck. Seriously I just have to write about what is literally happening, but I doubt anyone wants to read an article that is summarized as “local student stares blankly at a Google Doc for 5 minutes.” I am about to slam my head on my desk because I just had an idea but just thought, “Oh hang on, I should go fix some of those grammar mistakes then I’ll write that,” and take a guess what happened. I forgot what I was going to say.

The irony is that I chose this essay because of how much stuff I forget. So here I am, forgetting about something that is about forgetting about said
thing. Funny how that works. Oh yeah, and now you are breathing manually, always love to do that to people.

Seniors’ farewell advice

Shail Patel

Dear freshmen,

Congratulations on completing middle school! Now that you are in high school, it might seem scary. But don’t worry, the graduating seniors have left some advice for you guys, so that you can start strong and have the best high school experience!

Here we go:

“To really gain the upperclassmen’s respect, just act like one. Wear black on pep rally days and the first day of school so you’ll totally blend in.”

“It is an excellent idea to never sit in the same seat in your class. It really keeps the class dynamic interesting.”

“On the first day of school when the teacher calls your name, get them to mispronounce your name. You will immediately become a comedic genius within your class.”

“Block the path of upperclassmen trying to go to class with the classic prank of ‘Your shoes untied.’ They will soon learn to respect your sense of humor.”

“On the bus, it is always a great idea to play your music out loud. Be more outgoing!”

“If you are a student-athlete, you must assert your role on your team with nothing other than trash-talk. By doing this, you gain the respect of coaches and the varsity stars, as you are totally not passive.”

“In the lunch room, one thing you must certainly do is sit in the tables near the windows with the juniors. Then, whip out your laptop and play Minecraft. You can easily make friends with the juniors, as they would want to play with you.”

“Never walk in the hallways like a simpleton. Always pretend that your path to your next class is a track meet and just BOLT!”

“At the football games when the marching band shows up, grab your vuvuzela horn, make your way to the front, and perform alongside the band. Performing alongside the band is a great way to be involved and show school spirit.”

“Always remind the teacher that there was homework, not only will the teacher respect your integrity, but the students will respect you as a supreme entity of hard work and intelligence.”

And finally

“To flex on the lesser athletic beings, whenever you are near a doorway, it is in your best interest to jump and slam the doorway and yell. This asserts your dominance and your size.”